12 Dates of Christmas and our Christmas Blessing project

Things have mellowed out a tiny bit around here! Aaron still is limited on what he's supposed to lift (not more than 15 lbs) for a bit longer but he's feeling a lot better and can help with Alex (who's a whopping 14 lbs!!). Mateo can't wait for his daddy to be able to pick him up. Soon. I think Aaron was impressed (or intimidated) with how strong I've become these last two weeks. I'll gladly give him the muscle jobs back when he is ready....

Alex, who though pretty cranky in the afternoons and evenings...has been doing so well at night (besides it taking me too long to get him down) and I'm thankful for that! Last night he slept like 10 hours straight, nursed for 10 minutes, and then slept for 3 more hours. I was beyond confused. Mateo didn't sleep that long at a stretch until like 9 or 10 months or so. Same mom, same milk, same crib even. I guess every kid really is different. I cannot say we did anything different at ALL really. We just got lucky. I'm hoping it will last...! Next hurdle.... convincing Alex that taking a nap during the day really isn't such a bad thing...and that it would sure help Mom from being utterly exhausted by the time Dad gets home, haha. Right now I kind of have him kind of asleep in the moby wrap... which hurts my back mucho...but hopefully he will chill long enough to finish this blog post!!

Speaking of Aaron, we decided to do a unique present for Christmas this year. I got the idea from the Advent Conspiracy http://www.adventconspiracy.org/

It's called the 12 Dates of Christmas. We did $20 stocking stuffer stuff each...and then decided to do these 12 dates...some of which involve the kids...and some that we still need to finish (getting an appendix out wasn't on the plans for December...thus we need a little more time ;) Many of these may seem overly simple and things you may not even consider "dates" but we've had quite a 3 months and just doing anything together is quite enjoyable....and much more fun than a tangible present.

1 Get a Christmas Tree and decorate it with Mateo.
2. Watch Elf
3. Watch an episode of Psych (our fav. tv show that we rarely make time for)
4. Coffee shop (which means we set up a coffee shop downstairs and make hot drinks and hang out)
5.Take the boys to see Christmas lights (
6. Shop for our Christmas blessing project and assemble bags (care packages for homeless people)
7. Distribute blessing bags Christmas week
8. Play Mario on wii
9. Sing Christmas songs with Aaron playing guitar
10. Do weekly devotionals (Aaron's been choosing one verse and having us each answer a few questions separately before chatting together on the weekend).
11. Go to bed by 9:30pm
12. Make cookie dough together.

There are still a few that we need to finish...and I look forward to cashing in this Christmas present in the next week or so. Below are a couple pics of our care packages. Mateo had fun helping us put them together. One fun thing is that I collected all the oral hygieme items for free this year with coupons. I hope as Mateo (and Alex) get older, Christmas is not all about presents but more about Jesus' presence in our homes and world. What would Jesus want for Christmas?

Appendicitis and finding small blessings...10 reasons I'm thankful for my Mama friends

I'm experiencing a new level of tired. It's so foreign to me to have Aaron out. Poor guy had his appendix out on Monday. He's not supposed to lift anything over 10 lbs for THREE WEEKS! And that also means no basketball (which he loves...) Hate seeing him like this. As Mateo prayed today..."I pray Daddy's band aids all better. Daddy pick up Mateo more more times.". I feel bad that it's sometimes chaotic at home during the day, though I try my best to lock him in the bed room to rest/watch Netflix/play PS3. He's just not very good at resting (says the mom who probably won't take a nap til 2017 when both boys are in school...). And of course I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this whole thing has been hard on me, too. I'm somewhat used to really long days with cranky baby and toddler- but I could at least count on an extra set of hands in the evening. I'm trying to power through though running out of steam.

Though...I do believe that age old saying that God won't give you more than you can handle. [Check out this song by Matthew West...one of my favs... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczm] We will never be strong enough for life on our own...but God will be strong for us. I do sure weird things would stop happening to us. Early baby, c section, hospital, colicky baby, stomach flu, cold, Aaron's ear infection, Mateo's croup, almost Mastitis,
Aaron's appendix. Seems like when one thing gets easier then something else begins. Alex has fallen into a bedtime routine the last week or two. Life just got easier, right? Well yes but then your husband spends the night in the ER and has his appendix out. And the doctor comes out...not just any doctor but the chief of surgery...to talk to you and you think something went terribly wrong...but turns out he just wanted me to know that the surgery went fine. Sheesh!

But Aaron and I don't like to camp out in self pity for long. Sometimes it's necessary while you process things. But there is no productivity in self pity or feeling sorry for yourself. Taking the focus away from you sure does help keep things in perspective. Trying to help other people does help you to remember what life is all about. We are incredibly blessed beyond explanation.

And at least....thank God for those mercies we never notice.... that Aaron's didn't get appendicitis while I was having a baby! Or during Alex' hospital stay. It could have been much worse. And at least .... I'm healthy as an ox right now to take care of everything...though I admit that if I don't get a little more sleep I don't know how much longer I can keep it up! Alex is still up 2-3 times a night so my consecutive hours of sleep are pretty low. BUT...he has a bed time!! Baby free evenings are back!! woot!

Small blessings. A new theme. A mantra maybe. We aren't given more than we can handle. A rather large blessing for me has been my Mama friends, without whom I might have failed miserably at this Mama/Homemaker gig. I have many reasons to be thankful for those Mamas (and you know who you are....). Here are a few:

1. You have that someone to text when you need a pep talk about breastfeeding. It's that friend who will be just tough enough on you to help you push through and not give up.

2. It's the friend who gets up to go mall walking- regardless if either of you slept the night before. Just because it feels good to get some exercise while the kids are strapped in...and just because it feels better to chat/vent/share stories/encourage.

3. It's the mom who knows everything about cloth diapers and everything green or healthy. You facebook them with a few too many questions each month hoping they won't get completely annoyed and de friend you. But they don't and they graciously answer all of your questions. I love to learn.

4. It's the mom who you text when there is a breakthrough (or a meltdown). So and so is asleep!! Miracle!! So and so has been wearing real underwear all day!! Amazing! Those texts to share those little moments that only a mom would understand.

5. It's the moms who are home all day with their kids and are really the only ones who can possibly understand what that's like. They understand why you might be going a little crazy that day, why you might need to get out of the house, vent, eat chocolate, ________ etc.

6. It's the moms who drop off a coffee or cookies for you when you're stuck at home taking care of a recovering husband and two little ones.

7. It's your own mom who is just like Martha Stuart (minus the felon part) who you call with cooking questions a little too often...

8. The moms who share yummy recipes with you!!

9. And the moms who are fellow couponers!!

10. It is the moms who don't judge. Breast vs. bottle, cloth vs. disposables, homemade vs. jarred babyfood, organic vs. regular. It does matter but it doesn't matter.
http://630andaglassofwine.bangordailynews.com/2011/12/07/married-life/im-a-good-mother-youre-a-good-mother/ <---a friend just shared this link...quite entertaining!

We all have convictions and resolve to do things a certain way. I think that's good...though I'm always open for learning new things regarding homemaking and mommy-hood. And sometimes (just admit it!) we have no idea what we're doing at all. But that's what friends are for. To support us when we need it, encourage us or convict us when we need it, teach us stuff and share ideas, to bring us cookies when we need it, and to just be there.

I don't have family in town. I don't even have a lot of friends comparably, but a few good mama friends make all the difference.

endurance

We feel a little less than sane most days here at our house. Mateo is acting up a lot. Alex cries a lot. So between the two of them it seem like someone is almost always crying. I think I deserve a turn...but there's not time.

Then I brave up and want to go visit my parents because my mom has been pretty sick. And I get sick with the stomach flu (always great for a nursing mom). So we come home. Mateo catches a cold. Mateo gives mom and dad said cold. Mateo wakes up at night every 2 hours crying because of said cold. Baby wakes up every 3 hours at night to eat.... after Mom drives baby around the foggy city at midnight so that he will FINALLY go to sleep at all(read SHE and dad can finally go to sleep).

Today is the tip of the iceberg. We have an app. for Mateo this afternoon at the pediatrician b/c he won't eat lunch, won't nap, won't stop crying, etc. That's not like him...even though he's been kind of sensitive since Dad went back to work. It's not like him.

On the flip side, I found some neat forum/blog things on facebook for parents of preemies. I so wish that I would've known about something like that when Mateo was born. You feel completely abnormal, completely misunderstood, and completley lost. One blog writes:

Remember it's ok to grieve that u did not have the pregnancy, delivery, etc you thought you would. Transition to home can at times seem worse then being in the NICU. We are here to listen.

I don't think I gave myself permission to grieve with Mateo's experience. You are in survival mode for so long, much longer than others think is OK. People think you should be normal by now, you should bring baby to church 2 days after he is born, you should attend everything and bring your delicate baby everywhere. Your baby should be sleeping through the night by now, etc. And I think I tried to psych myself into thinking that I didn't need to grieve this time around with Alex. But I probably do. Most don't (and can't) understand why a "Congratulation" doesn't feel right.

And coming home from the hospital was far harder than being in the hospital (in my experience) except for the fact that I got to sleep in the same bed as my hubby again and see my toddler every day. But as far as baby stuff goes...much, much harder And it seems we've been the unlucky recipients of another cranky baby who doesn't like to sleep when we'd like him to and has bad reflux that interrupts his sleep and takes away any happy awake time. Another blog writes this:
Having a preemie means your venture into parenting will not be "normal". You will learn words that many people will never even hear (and thankfully so). You will learn patience you didn't know you were capable of, you will learn true fear and faith. You will be able to change a diaper standing sideways at an isolette, while avoiding wires, tubes, and I.V.s. .You learn that the journey doesn't stop......... once they leave the NICU. Your childs pediatrician will become like family because you feel that you are at their office as much as you are home. You will learn that all the books you read on "what to expect" didn't teach you anything that YOU needed to expect, and you are forced to learn as you go. THE most valuable lesson that I learned was just how precious life is, and how fragile it can be. NOV 17 is World Prematurity Day. Please wear purple!http://www.facebook.com/breastmilkforpreemies/posts/257441120970693

That all being said, I know I have a million things to be thankful for. Here are a few:

1. A husband who, even when we're miserable, helps out as much as he can...sacrificing gym time, recreation time, etc. etc.

2. That Alex had 2 weeks and 2 days longer in utero than Mateo did.

3. That we'll be able to pay all of our ridiculous hospital bills off.

4. Plenty of disposable diapers that I paid pennies for with coupons so I don't have to think about starting cloth with Alex for a few more months...

5. That I was able to breastfeed Alex to give him the best possible nutrition in the crucial months of a preemie.

6. A warm home and plenty of clothes for both my babies.

7. That God, in some (mysterious) way, will bring good out of all of this and it will be for his glory.

8. My husband's job.

9. My SAHM group.

10. My parents who, even though I don't see them nearly enough, love their grandbabies more than anything.

11. The Moby Wrap and my Baby Bjorn...only hopes of survival, and the only way I am able to finally write a blog post! Alex will sleep in them (and hence be happy and quiet!)

12. Homemade pizza in the freezer that we can pull out on a day like today for dinner.


For now, I tell Aaron that we need just a little more endurance. That we can do this. Someday we can sleep again. Someday we won't have stress stomach aches so much. Someday life will be fun...and...Alex will be fun. For now we cling to God and to the hope of the future.

New Job, Day 3, and reflections

Aaron went back to work.

Life is a tad rough right now.

Day 3 of my new job.

Alex spit up all over one of my two pairs of jeans that kind of fit. While I was nursing in a parking garage. With a toddler in the back seat.

I am so tired that my stomach kind of hurts. Almost too tired to nap. Especially over the goat-like noises of our little angel...who keeps us awake at night even when he's asleep. Reflux, possibly (very common for preemies). Frustrating, definitely.

I pumped this morning while sitting on the floor, trying to pacify a screaming baby and while trying to put on Veggie Tales for the toddler. Not very successful.

Folded a load of laundry. Might hide the other load til tomorrow.

Got toddler down, nursed baby, pumped, cleaned said pump parts, time for me to rest...and toddler wakes up crying....

Oh, and yesterday I had to nurse the baby while sitting on the bathroom floor helping Mateo on the potty.

Such a contrast to having just one baby. I could nurse at my leisure while reading a book and sipping a cold drink. Now I nurse on bathroom floors and in parking garages lol.

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Alex has an occasional happy awake period but so far he's been pretty cranky. He's happy while eating and somewhat happy when sleeping though he makes a LOT of noise. I think I need to record this baby sleeping b/c nobody knows what we mean. But then as I write this, Alex is ODDLY sitting awake and happy in the swing. First time ever. So weird. I'm thinking this is what normal people experience with a baby. Happy, smiles, warm fuzzy feelings? I feel like a bad mom saying this...but (here goes) I don't particularly like babies. Phew. Now don't get me wrong. I love my baby and would do anything to protect and take care of him...but I just don't think babies are fun. At least so far. Who knows. Maybe Alex will become a super happy and easy baby. And maybe next week he'll sleep 8 hours straight. Maybe.

I've decided that life isn't fair...but that regardless of what things are easy for us...that we often did nothing to deserve it...it's pure grace or blessing. I can't hold a baby in full term to save my life- but then you see that "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" show on TLC where these moms are drinking and doing all sorts of things that one wouldn't think of doing had they known they were growing a baby...and their baby is fine. I've recently met some moms on a facebook page Eats On Feets (http://www.facebook.com/EatsOnFeatsOregon) that can't breastfeed or have a super low supply. Then I think of our deep freezer overflowing with frozen milk. I did nothing special to be able to breastfeed.
I think we're an arrogant people. We think because things happened a certain way that it's because we did so good at something. I did nothing to be able to nurse...besides eat like a horse, pump, and have a lot of persistence. People criticize other people too much for this or that instead of extending them grace. You can't possibly understand what someone else experiences. I don't have an easy time with babies. Being a stay at home mom is really hard for me. Though people still criticize saying if you did this, or if you did that, then...but sometimes you just end up with a colicky baby and there's nothing you can do about it but wait it out, go on a lot of walks, and eat a lot of chocolate. Hopefully we got our colicky baby stuff out of the way with Mateo. I'm so so hoping and praying that Alex will be happy and portable and easy going.

All that said... I am ready to call it a night, hopefully get a few hours of sleep, and enjoy the weekend as much as possible with my hubby home. Life is better when he's around. I think God totally knew what he was doing when he brought us together. I so need someone like Aaron. And so do my boys. Here they are... Mateo is 2 years and 4 months old. Alex is almost 5 weeks (one more week until he's full term!). Mateo wants so badly for "baby Alex play toys?!" Hopefully soon!

The Deep Freezer and The Preemie

The latest home and frugal venture has had to do with food. Last winter some ladies from my MOMS group met to swap recipes and work on meal planning. Since then it's helped a lot to plan a whole month of meals. Then of course I got pregnant and couldn't think about an entire month of food w/o getting queasy...so I went down to just a week at a time (or sometimes 2 or 3 days...). Still it helped.
Two weeks before Alex was born we bought a deep freezer. We'd wanted one since Mateo was born and were finally able to make it happen. A mama friend of mine inspired me to freeze meals. She makes a whole month of freezer meals at a time and then has lots of dinners at her disposable throughout the month. With tots and babies...I really liked that idea! Now I only had two weeks to fill up our freezer so I didn't do NEARLY as much as I'd wanted...but slowly but surely it's beginning to fill up.

I had made several batches of beans in the crock pot (pintos, garbanzo, black) and froze them in tupperwares. Easy to take out for burritos, rice bowls, hummus, salads, etc. We also made some whole chickens in the crockpot and froze some zip locs of shredded meat to pull out for tacos. And, since my mom gave me lots of tomatoes, I also made a few batches of spaghetti sauce and some stewed toms.

I also froze a bunch of berries that we picked (including lots of free blackberries near our house). Also blueberries, strawberries, and "triple crown" berries that Mateo helped me pick. I used my birthday food dehydrator and dried a bunch of produce that my mom gave me from their garden...apples, pears, etc. Also made some pear sauce, fruit leathers, etc. You cant' really tell from this picture, but the whole door of the freezer is full of fruit leathers and berries for the winter.

And the most recent addition to the deep freezer....PIZZA! Just cheese, sauce, and pepperoni for now. I figure I'd add veggies later so they'd be fresh. Now I just need to find a gluten free pizza dough recipe that Aaron likes so I can freeze pizza for him, too.


And, if you know anything about caring for preemies, then this next picture won't surprise you too much. Another reason we're glad that we have a deep freezer at at a time like this...

One of the not-so-fun things about having a premature baby and wanting to nurse is the ridiculous amount of pumping they recommend you do. But... I feel dumb complaining about pumping and think that rather I need to be thankful to even have a supply and even be able to nurse! I have no idea what happens to premature babies that are born in poor countries without wonderful NICUs like we have here. It stabs my heart to think that they probably would not survive. As hard as seeing your baby have a feeding tube is... at least they can be properly nourished until they are able to eat the "normal" way.

Alex has become a really good eater, despite some reflux and massive amounts of spit up. We go through the burp clothes pretty quickly. But despite that (which the doctors aren't even concerned with) he gained almost a pound this last week and is up to 6 pounds 7 ounces! A little over a pound to go and I will be a VERY happy mama when I can carry him in the baby bjorn. It will make running errands with two little kidlets much easier. I'm already foreseeing my first trip to WinCo with them both. Mateo in the cart, Alex in the front pack. That will be quite a feat!
I still have almost two weeks having Aaron home, which, even though it's not been easy or fun and we've been having to pray for extra grace and patience with each other, has been a huge blessing. My mama friends often comment on how much Aaron helps with baby stuff and how involved he is. I now realize how it all got started that way. We make really hard babies. I honestly couldn't have survived Mateo's baby days w/o him...and I won't be able to survive Alex' baby days without him either. All the nursing, pumping, waking up baby to eat at night, lack of sleep, lack of energy, taking care of a toddler,etc. etc. I feel worse for Mateo, b/c I don't like giving him less than my best. I just don't have it to give right now and I appreciate the grace he gives us...the grace only a two year old can give to a mom.

In the coming weeks I plan on adding some meals to the freezer. There are tons of sites with freeze well recipes and tons of resources. None of which I have time to look at right now...I barely have time to write this post except that Aaron and Mateo ran an errand and Alex is still sleeping in his car seat upon returning from the pediatrician. I will add some recipes that freeze well and some other ideas. I will most definitely have to become very efficient with meal planning, cooking, etc. I am convincing myself that I'm up for the challenge. Pep talk. I can do this. Jesus will enable me to survive this again and eventually thrive.
I may make really hard and challenging babies, but they definitely become cute and lovable toddlers. There is hope.
Baby Mateo....

2 year old Mateo

No more Congrats

No More Congratulations

It hasn't felt good for people to tell us Congratulations this past week. Those well intended comments like "so happy for you" or "glad everyone is healthy" seem heart breaking to me.

What are people happy about? That we had another baby prematurely? That I had to have another c section? That I am staying at a hospital all by myself while Aaron is fending for himself at home with a somewhat confused 2 year old that thinks Mommy lives at the hospital with Baby Brotherv That I'm in excruciating pain? That...

If everyone were good and healthy then I'd still be pregnant and home reading Mateo bedtime stories and nesting.

If everyone were good and healthy then Alex wouldn't have to be in the NICU, he wouldn't have monitors on his chest or a feeding tube up his nose. I wouldn't have to pump 8 times a day or work so hard to keep him awake enough to nurse.

I wish so badly that I were still pregnant. Alex would be protected and getting plenty of food that way. I heard another mom in the NICU say that she officially knows her body cannot carry a baby to term. I feel the same way. I followed every restriction, order from the doctor, etc. yet here I am re-living my life from two years ago. Except this time it is 10 times harder because of Mateo. Aaron is taking care of him...but then who is taking care of me? I hate being here without him. I hate it.

And so I am sitting here in my 5 minutes of down time before the next scheduled feeding, trying to understand God's purposes and reasons. Why on Earth...??

This should be a time for celebrating but we are having a really hard time doing so right now.

I have so many questions, feel so frazzled, yet I am reminded of one of my fav verses from Isaiah 58:11

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. (Isaiah 58:11 NIV)

Sometimes we don't even really know what our needs are. And often, lately I don't even know how to pray. But scripture says that the Holy Spirit will intervene when we don't know how to pray...thankful for that.

Yet when we know God is good, All the time...what does it everything me? God grant me joy in these trials.

On a lighter note...few updates on Alex:

- He had a couple of feeds today when he didn't need any milk given to him in his feeding tube.

-He's maintained his weight pretty well since birth though hasn't gained any yet.

-Started his iron multivitamin today...but had a little trouble taking it (nurse mixed it in 15 ml of EBM) from the tiny bottle.

- 1st vaccine tonight at next feed

-Got moved again to a dif room. Funny how attached I get of his new space.

God is good, all the time

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3: 16-18

We knew, going into this pregnancy, that there was a chance it could all happen again. It was completely unknown why my water broke early and Mateo made an early entrance to the world at 32 weeks. But we felt like we were supposed to be brave and try again. Specialists, tons of ultrasounds, and activity restrictions galore...and we made it to 34 weeks and 3 days. I was beginning to become a lot more optimistic that I really would make it full term. I prayed so often, with fervor, for God to be merciful to our baby so that he wouldn't have to go through what Mateo did. But then I wake up early one morning....and I had no doubts about what was happening. I knew my water had broke and it was the worst feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach. We knew what this meant. And we were scared. I was reminded of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. They said they knew that their God was able to save them from the fire.... but that even if he didn't..... that they would not worship the other Gods. I know our God was able to make me go full term. But here we are today in the hospital reliving our worst nightmare. But I know that God is always good. No matter what. And when I hold our newest little baby.... I know God is good. He has his purposes and his reasons. Though I will never understand why my two babies were born early and why we had to go through this (twice), I never question the goodness of God.

I get discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It is a terrible feeling to be discharged without your baby. To be able to go home...and not able to bring your baby with you. Some things are easier this time. I think I will be able to go through the discharge process without crying. I already know WAY more than I ever wanted to about preemies and how to take care of them, what a gavage feeding tube is, how to convert ml to ounces, etc.

But there are also things that are harder. Like the fact that I have not gotten to read bedtime stories to Mateo in 5 days. I haven't gotten to sing him songs or pray with him or play toys with him. I miss him SO much. And tomorrow Aaron goes home to take care of him as my mom and dad go back to work...and I will have to stay at this big lonely hospital all by myself. I'm not looking forward to it. I wanna be with Aaron and Mateo SO badly...but I also can't abandon Alex. I've been working really hard on breastfeeding and pumping, and I need to be close by to do most of that. I am hoping to be able to sneak out for a short period most days to go home...and hopefully they'll be able to come visit every morning...but I will miss having Aaron here to help me SO much. He's been taking such good care of me...when I couldn't get out of bed or walk (which I still am barely hobbling around...) or do anything for myself. He helps me do everything and even washes pump parts. Who will wheel me down to the NICU now? I'll have to just be strong and try to wheel myself or walk part ways. Praying God will infuse me with extra energy to do all that I need to do to take care of Alex and myself.
I'm afraid that Mateo is forgetting me or that he's sad that I have abandoned him. I hate being away from him. So not cool. I don't know how a working mom does it. I would absolutely hate to have my babies raised by somebody else I decided. I know Mateo has been in good hands with Grandma this week, but it doesn't make me miss him any less.

Aaron and I are trying to think ahead to the future...knowing that within a few weeks we will all be home together. I'm bummed that Aaron is having to use up all of his leave time before we even bring Alex home. I was dreaming of that time with all of us together at home. <>

A few updates on Alex...
No more IV!!!
Regulating temp well and will hopefully move out of the incubator and into a bassinet tomorrow.
They put in a feeding tube yesterday and I've been pumping milk that they're feeding him. Also nursing as much as he'll stay awake for. Sometimes they weigh him before and after nursing to see how much he took- and then are feeding him the rest in his tube.
He got his first bath today and is wearing his first outfit!
He's really cute.
Doesn't open his eyes much, but when he does I melt!

Gotta go and feed my baby.

~G