We knew, going into this pregnancy, that there was a chance it could all happen again. It was completely unknown why my water broke early and Mateo made an early entrance to the world at 32 weeks. But we felt like we were supposed to be brave and try again. Specialists, tons of ultrasounds, and activity restrictions galore...and we made it to 34 weeks and 3 days. I was beginning to become a lot more optimistic that I really would make it full term. I prayed so often, with fervor, for God to be merciful to our baby so that he wouldn't have to go through what Mateo did. But then I wake up early one morning....and I had no doubts about what was happening. I knew my water had broke and it was the worst feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach. We knew what this meant. And we were scared. I was reminded of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. They said they knew that their God was able to save them from the fire.... but that even if he didn't..... that they would not worship the other Gods. I know our God was able to make me go full term. But here we are today in the hospital reliving our worst nightmare. But I know that God is always good. No matter what. And when I hold our newest little baby.... I know God is good. He has his purposes and his reasons. Though I will never understand why my two babies were born early and why we had to go through this (twice), I never question the goodness of God.
I get discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It is a terrible feeling to be discharged without your baby. To be able to go home...and not able to bring your baby with you. Some things are easier this time. I think I will be able to go through the discharge process without crying. I already know WAY more than I ever wanted to about preemies and how to take care of them, what a gavage feeding tube is, how to convert ml to ounces, etc.
But there are also things that are harder. Like the fact that I have not gotten to read bedtime stories to Mateo in 5 days. I haven't gotten to sing him songs or pray with him or play toys with him. I miss him SO much. And tomorrow Aaron goes home to take care of him as my mom and dad go back to work...and I will have to stay at this big lonely hospital all by myself. I'm not looking forward to it. I wanna be with Aaron and Mateo SO badly...but I also can't abandon Alex. I've been working really hard on breastfeeding and pumping, and I need to be close by to do most of that. I am hoping to be able to sneak out for a short period most days to go home...and hopefully they'll be able to come visit every morning...but I will miss having Aaron here to help me SO much. He's been taking such good care of me...when I couldn't get out of bed or walk (which I still am barely hobbling around...) or do anything for myself. He helps me do everything and even washes pump parts. Who will wheel me down to the NICU now? I'll have to just be strong and try to wheel myself or walk part ways. Praying God will infuse me with extra energy to do all that I need to do to take care of Alex and myself.
I'm afraid that Mateo is forgetting me or that he's sad that I have abandoned him. I hate being away from him. So not cool. I don't know how a working mom does it. I would absolutely hate to have my babies raised by somebody else I decided. I know Mateo has been in good hands with Grandma this week, but it doesn't make me miss him any less.
Aaron and I are trying to think ahead to the future...knowing that within a few weeks we will all be home together. I'm bummed that Aaron is having to use up all of his leave time before we even bring Alex home. I was dreaming of that time with all of us together at home. <
A few updates on Alex...
No more IV!!!
Regulating temp well and will hopefully move out of the incubator and into a bassinet tomorrow.
They put in a feeding tube yesterday and I've been pumping milk that they're feeding him. Also nursing as much as he'll stay awake for. Sometimes they weigh him before and after nursing to see how much he took- and then are feeding him the rest in his tube.
He got his first bath today and is wearing his first outfit!
He's really cute.
Doesn't open his eyes much, but when he does I melt!
Gotta go and feed my baby.
~G
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