New Job, Day 3, and reflections

Aaron went back to work.

Life is a tad rough right now.

Day 3 of my new job.

Alex spit up all over one of my two pairs of jeans that kind of fit. While I was nursing in a parking garage. With a toddler in the back seat.

I am so tired that my stomach kind of hurts. Almost too tired to nap. Especially over the goat-like noises of our little angel...who keeps us awake at night even when he's asleep. Reflux, possibly (very common for preemies). Frustrating, definitely.

I pumped this morning while sitting on the floor, trying to pacify a screaming baby and while trying to put on Veggie Tales for the toddler. Not very successful.

Folded a load of laundry. Might hide the other load til tomorrow.

Got toddler down, nursed baby, pumped, cleaned said pump parts, time for me to rest...and toddler wakes up crying....

Oh, and yesterday I had to nurse the baby while sitting on the bathroom floor helping Mateo on the potty.

Such a contrast to having just one baby. I could nurse at my leisure while reading a book and sipping a cold drink. Now I nurse on bathroom floors and in parking garages lol.

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Alex has an occasional happy awake period but so far he's been pretty cranky. He's happy while eating and somewhat happy when sleeping though he makes a LOT of noise. I think I need to record this baby sleeping b/c nobody knows what we mean. But then as I write this, Alex is ODDLY sitting awake and happy in the swing. First time ever. So weird. I'm thinking this is what normal people experience with a baby. Happy, smiles, warm fuzzy feelings? I feel like a bad mom saying this...but (here goes) I don't particularly like babies. Phew. Now don't get me wrong. I love my baby and would do anything to protect and take care of him...but I just don't think babies are fun. At least so far. Who knows. Maybe Alex will become a super happy and easy baby. And maybe next week he'll sleep 8 hours straight. Maybe.

I've decided that life isn't fair...but that regardless of what things are easy for us...that we often did nothing to deserve it...it's pure grace or blessing. I can't hold a baby in full term to save my life- but then you see that "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" show on TLC where these moms are drinking and doing all sorts of things that one wouldn't think of doing had they known they were growing a baby...and their baby is fine. I've recently met some moms on a facebook page Eats On Feets (http://www.facebook.com/EatsOnFeatsOregon) that can't breastfeed or have a super low supply. Then I think of our deep freezer overflowing with frozen milk. I did nothing special to be able to breastfeed.
I think we're an arrogant people. We think because things happened a certain way that it's because we did so good at something. I did nothing to be able to nurse...besides eat like a horse, pump, and have a lot of persistence. People criticize other people too much for this or that instead of extending them grace. You can't possibly understand what someone else experiences. I don't have an easy time with babies. Being a stay at home mom is really hard for me. Though people still criticize saying if you did this, or if you did that, then...but sometimes you just end up with a colicky baby and there's nothing you can do about it but wait it out, go on a lot of walks, and eat a lot of chocolate. Hopefully we got our colicky baby stuff out of the way with Mateo. I'm so so hoping and praying that Alex will be happy and portable and easy going.

All that said... I am ready to call it a night, hopefully get a few hours of sleep, and enjoy the weekend as much as possible with my hubby home. Life is better when he's around. I think God totally knew what he was doing when he brought us together. I so need someone like Aaron. And so do my boys. Here they are... Mateo is 2 years and 4 months old. Alex is almost 5 weeks (one more week until he's full term!). Mateo wants so badly for "baby Alex play toys?!" Hopefully soon!

The Deep Freezer and The Preemie

The latest home and frugal venture has had to do with food. Last winter some ladies from my MOMS group met to swap recipes and work on meal planning. Since then it's helped a lot to plan a whole month of meals. Then of course I got pregnant and couldn't think about an entire month of food w/o getting queasy...so I went down to just a week at a time (or sometimes 2 or 3 days...). Still it helped.
Two weeks before Alex was born we bought a deep freezer. We'd wanted one since Mateo was born and were finally able to make it happen. A mama friend of mine inspired me to freeze meals. She makes a whole month of freezer meals at a time and then has lots of dinners at her disposable throughout the month. With tots and babies...I really liked that idea! Now I only had two weeks to fill up our freezer so I didn't do NEARLY as much as I'd wanted...but slowly but surely it's beginning to fill up.

I had made several batches of beans in the crock pot (pintos, garbanzo, black) and froze them in tupperwares. Easy to take out for burritos, rice bowls, hummus, salads, etc. We also made some whole chickens in the crockpot and froze some zip locs of shredded meat to pull out for tacos. And, since my mom gave me lots of tomatoes, I also made a few batches of spaghetti sauce and some stewed toms.

I also froze a bunch of berries that we picked (including lots of free blackberries near our house). Also blueberries, strawberries, and "triple crown" berries that Mateo helped me pick. I used my birthday food dehydrator and dried a bunch of produce that my mom gave me from their garden...apples, pears, etc. Also made some pear sauce, fruit leathers, etc. You cant' really tell from this picture, but the whole door of the freezer is full of fruit leathers and berries for the winter.

And the most recent addition to the deep freezer....PIZZA! Just cheese, sauce, and pepperoni for now. I figure I'd add veggies later so they'd be fresh. Now I just need to find a gluten free pizza dough recipe that Aaron likes so I can freeze pizza for him, too.


And, if you know anything about caring for preemies, then this next picture won't surprise you too much. Another reason we're glad that we have a deep freezer at at a time like this...

One of the not-so-fun things about having a premature baby and wanting to nurse is the ridiculous amount of pumping they recommend you do. But... I feel dumb complaining about pumping and think that rather I need to be thankful to even have a supply and even be able to nurse! I have no idea what happens to premature babies that are born in poor countries without wonderful NICUs like we have here. It stabs my heart to think that they probably would not survive. As hard as seeing your baby have a feeding tube is... at least they can be properly nourished until they are able to eat the "normal" way.

Alex has become a really good eater, despite some reflux and massive amounts of spit up. We go through the burp clothes pretty quickly. But despite that (which the doctors aren't even concerned with) he gained almost a pound this last week and is up to 6 pounds 7 ounces! A little over a pound to go and I will be a VERY happy mama when I can carry him in the baby bjorn. It will make running errands with two little kidlets much easier. I'm already foreseeing my first trip to WinCo with them both. Mateo in the cart, Alex in the front pack. That will be quite a feat!
I still have almost two weeks having Aaron home, which, even though it's not been easy or fun and we've been having to pray for extra grace and patience with each other, has been a huge blessing. My mama friends often comment on how much Aaron helps with baby stuff and how involved he is. I now realize how it all got started that way. We make really hard babies. I honestly couldn't have survived Mateo's baby days w/o him...and I won't be able to survive Alex' baby days without him either. All the nursing, pumping, waking up baby to eat at night, lack of sleep, lack of energy, taking care of a toddler,etc. etc. I feel worse for Mateo, b/c I don't like giving him less than my best. I just don't have it to give right now and I appreciate the grace he gives us...the grace only a two year old can give to a mom.

In the coming weeks I plan on adding some meals to the freezer. There are tons of sites with freeze well recipes and tons of resources. None of which I have time to look at right now...I barely have time to write this post except that Aaron and Mateo ran an errand and Alex is still sleeping in his car seat upon returning from the pediatrician. I will add some recipes that freeze well and some other ideas. I will most definitely have to become very efficient with meal planning, cooking, etc. I am convincing myself that I'm up for the challenge. Pep talk. I can do this. Jesus will enable me to survive this again and eventually thrive.
I may make really hard and challenging babies, but they definitely become cute and lovable toddlers. There is hope.
Baby Mateo....

2 year old Mateo

No more Congrats

No More Congratulations

It hasn't felt good for people to tell us Congratulations this past week. Those well intended comments like "so happy for you" or "glad everyone is healthy" seem heart breaking to me.

What are people happy about? That we had another baby prematurely? That I had to have another c section? That I am staying at a hospital all by myself while Aaron is fending for himself at home with a somewhat confused 2 year old that thinks Mommy lives at the hospital with Baby Brotherv That I'm in excruciating pain? That...

If everyone were good and healthy then I'd still be pregnant and home reading Mateo bedtime stories and nesting.

If everyone were good and healthy then Alex wouldn't have to be in the NICU, he wouldn't have monitors on his chest or a feeding tube up his nose. I wouldn't have to pump 8 times a day or work so hard to keep him awake enough to nurse.

I wish so badly that I were still pregnant. Alex would be protected and getting plenty of food that way. I heard another mom in the NICU say that she officially knows her body cannot carry a baby to term. I feel the same way. I followed every restriction, order from the doctor, etc. yet here I am re-living my life from two years ago. Except this time it is 10 times harder because of Mateo. Aaron is taking care of him...but then who is taking care of me? I hate being here without him. I hate it.

And so I am sitting here in my 5 minutes of down time before the next scheduled feeding, trying to understand God's purposes and reasons. Why on Earth...??

This should be a time for celebrating but we are having a really hard time doing so right now.

I have so many questions, feel so frazzled, yet I am reminded of one of my fav verses from Isaiah 58:11

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. (Isaiah 58:11 NIV)

Sometimes we don't even really know what our needs are. And often, lately I don't even know how to pray. But scripture says that the Holy Spirit will intervene when we don't know how to pray...thankful for that.

Yet when we know God is good, All the time...what does it everything me? God grant me joy in these trials.

On a lighter note...few updates on Alex:

- He had a couple of feeds today when he didn't need any milk given to him in his feeding tube.

-He's maintained his weight pretty well since birth though hasn't gained any yet.

-Started his iron multivitamin today...but had a little trouble taking it (nurse mixed it in 15 ml of EBM) from the tiny bottle.

- 1st vaccine tonight at next feed

-Got moved again to a dif room. Funny how attached I get of his new space.

God is good, all the time

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3: 16-18

We knew, going into this pregnancy, that there was a chance it could all happen again. It was completely unknown why my water broke early and Mateo made an early entrance to the world at 32 weeks. But we felt like we were supposed to be brave and try again. Specialists, tons of ultrasounds, and activity restrictions galore...and we made it to 34 weeks and 3 days. I was beginning to become a lot more optimistic that I really would make it full term. I prayed so often, with fervor, for God to be merciful to our baby so that he wouldn't have to go through what Mateo did. But then I wake up early one morning....and I had no doubts about what was happening. I knew my water had broke and it was the worst feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach. We knew what this meant. And we were scared. I was reminded of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. They said they knew that their God was able to save them from the fire.... but that even if he didn't..... that they would not worship the other Gods. I know our God was able to make me go full term. But here we are today in the hospital reliving our worst nightmare. But I know that God is always good. No matter what. And when I hold our newest little baby.... I know God is good. He has his purposes and his reasons. Though I will never understand why my two babies were born early and why we had to go through this (twice), I never question the goodness of God.

I get discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It is a terrible feeling to be discharged without your baby. To be able to go home...and not able to bring your baby with you. Some things are easier this time. I think I will be able to go through the discharge process without crying. I already know WAY more than I ever wanted to about preemies and how to take care of them, what a gavage feeding tube is, how to convert ml to ounces, etc.

But there are also things that are harder. Like the fact that I have not gotten to read bedtime stories to Mateo in 5 days. I haven't gotten to sing him songs or pray with him or play toys with him. I miss him SO much. And tomorrow Aaron goes home to take care of him as my mom and dad go back to work...and I will have to stay at this big lonely hospital all by myself. I'm not looking forward to it. I wanna be with Aaron and Mateo SO badly...but I also can't abandon Alex. I've been working really hard on breastfeeding and pumping, and I need to be close by to do most of that. I am hoping to be able to sneak out for a short period most days to go home...and hopefully they'll be able to come visit every morning...but I will miss having Aaron here to help me SO much. He's been taking such good care of me...when I couldn't get out of bed or walk (which I still am barely hobbling around...) or do anything for myself. He helps me do everything and even washes pump parts. Who will wheel me down to the NICU now? I'll have to just be strong and try to wheel myself or walk part ways. Praying God will infuse me with extra energy to do all that I need to do to take care of Alex and myself.
I'm afraid that Mateo is forgetting me or that he's sad that I have abandoned him. I hate being away from him. So not cool. I don't know how a working mom does it. I would absolutely hate to have my babies raised by somebody else I decided. I know Mateo has been in good hands with Grandma this week, but it doesn't make me miss him any less.

Aaron and I are trying to think ahead to the future...knowing that within a few weeks we will all be home together. I'm bummed that Aaron is having to use up all of his leave time before we even bring Alex home. I was dreaming of that time with all of us together at home. <>

A few updates on Alex...
No more IV!!!
Regulating temp well and will hopefully move out of the incubator and into a bassinet tomorrow.
They put in a feeding tube yesterday and I've been pumping milk that they're feeding him. Also nursing as much as he'll stay awake for. Sometimes they weigh him before and after nursing to see how much he took- and then are feeding him the rest in his tube.
He got his first bath today and is wearing his first outfit!
He's really cute.
Doesn't open his eyes much, but when he does I melt!

Gotta go and feed my baby.

~G

Keeping up with the......

I'm not sure who our society thinks they're keeping up with these days. Surely, some are still trying to keep up with the Jones'. They want to have the nicest this, the best that, the most of those....greener grass, taller flowers, etc. You get the gist.

But then there's a whole other "keeping up with" that I have become more aware of. The drive to be BUSY! Whatever happened to down time? To family time? To not having every second of your life filled up? The contest to be the BUSIEST is definitely one that I do not want to win. I've tried to work on becoming a little less busy over the last couple of years. Somewhat hard when you have kids- but resigning from my job was a big leap of faith. But one that we knew was the best for our family. But busyness tries to follow me anyways and I have to start saying NO to some things.

Church or secular world, it's kind of looked upon as WOW/COOL if you have more than one job, are involved in multiple groups/activities, have something going on almost every night of the week, and oh ya.... you have a family somewhere in there, too. "Oh, do you know 'so and so'? They work 2 jobs, play this sport this night, go to that group this night, and have such a hectic life! They're amazing!". Since when do we want to praise that kind of lifestyle? Why is that something that we'd want to emulate?

Seriously, though, can one not have a fruitful life without being SO SO busy? What's the point?

Most of you know that I am a stay at home mom. I don't have a paid job. I don't bring in any money. Zero cents. So of course if I don't work I must just be sitting around all day watching soap operas and eating bon bons, right? And of course since I don't work I must have a LOT of free time to spend volunteering for this or that. Right? Um, no. (But that's another blog post...)

Life will always be busy, but there are definitely things we can do to gear our business in the right direction. If I worked full time...yes, we'd have more money. But I don't think Mateo will tell me when he's older..."Mom, I wish that you would've worked full time when I was a baby so I could have had those clothes I spit up on come from Baby Gap."

Then there are the working moms that get a little peaved at some of the things a SAHM might do....for example making baby food. "Oh that's nice, but I would never have time to do that because I work full time. I wish I had the time to do THAT". That's probably an accurate statement. I doubt they WOULD have time to. I'm sorry? But the only way I get to stay home is by doing those kind of things (which I do actually enjoy) that will save us oodles of money.
Living on half of your income does became a full time job. One that I have come to enjoy. I would not rather be doing anything else on any given day than taking care of and spending time with our sweet Mateo and taking care of his daddy...the guy I love.

I love taking care of my family. That is my ministry. When peoples remarks make me start to feel bad about having a strong heart for my family and home- I have to quickly snap out of it. Aaron tells me that he loves my heart for our family.

My favorite verse for being content with less and having simplicity is this one from Ecclesiastes 4:6........

⁶ Better one handful with tranquility
than two handfuls with toil
and chasing after the wind.


The more you work the more money you make but the more you work the more money you spend. Work more to spend more. Spend less to work less.

Bucket List, revised....Stuff to do before I turn 30!

Thirty things I'd like to do before I turn 30............. [I need a couple more things!!!] Yes, I live a VERY exciting life (not) as you can see by my wish list haha.

1. Read the entire bible (68% of the way there :)
2. Do another Beth Moore bible study
3. Cook with rhubarb.
4. Go snow shoeing.
5. Learn to make corned beef and cabbage for St. Patrick's Day
6. Get Mateo a sibling (happening SOON!)
7. Visit my grandparents.
8. Take a dance class with Aaron
9. Make banana bread (CHECK!)
10. Write a bilingual children's book for Mateo.
11. Find a way to speak Spanish more.
12. Grow pumpkins (I think I see one in the garden!)
13. See a play or musical.
14. Ride a tandem bike.
15. Learn to play a song on the piano (with proper finger placement).
16. Watch the Star Wars trilogy for Aaron (Number IV watched! Two more to go).
17. Try Creme Brule (sp)!
18. Ride in a Limo.
19. Read 5 books just because (I've read one so far).
20. Go to a "crop" with Mandy to do scrapbooking stuff!
21. Buy and stock a stand up freezer with meals and snacks for 2+ weeks (Thanks Misty) (And Thanks Aaron for filming a wedding to help pay for said freezer...we just got one!)
22. Make fruit leather with my mom.
23. Go sand boarding at the dunes.
24. Go to Sun River with my fam.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.

Overactive Nesting Syndrome

Would you believe that all of Mateo's old clothes and all of the clothes that I've picked up second hand have been washed, sorted, and organized in the baby's room for a month now? I hung up newborn-6 month clothing and have up through 9 months in a box on a shelf in the closet. In baby's IKEA dresser, all of our "accessories" (i.e. blankets, bibs, socks, etc.) are sorted and ready. See a couple more pictures below...



Maybe I didn't get enough nesting time with the first pregnancy due to working and Mateo's early arrival. Or maybe I'm just weird and organized. Either way, I love having things organized and have given myself this goal of having everything ready in the baby's room by the end of August.

The changing table, though still in Mateo's room, has been stocked with newborn stuff for a couple of months. Diapers, wipes, burp clothes, play mats, etc.

We got an awesome package in the mail earlier this week. I was spoiled by a new diaper bag and some cute onesies. When Aaron got home from work I showed him the new diaper bag. I couldn't show him the onesies, though, for they were already opened, washed, and in the dryer. By the end of that day I already had the onesies hung up in the nb section of baby's closet and had already stocked the diaper bag with hospital outfits, receiving blankets, diapers, wipes, nursing pads, deodorized bags, etc.

Aaron just smiles and makes a little bit of fun of me. I am just calling it overactive nesting syndrome. I know being organized will help make the first weeks and months with a new baby easier, but I know I'm a bit goofy.

Most days I am barely able to keep up with laundry, dishes, and Mateo...but on some occasions I feel ambitious and try to do a mini project to get things ready. Mateo helped me sort and organized lots of stuff. Partially that looked like him playing in a pile of hangers and bringing me one when i needed it....but he also is pretty good about sorting things... "Can you bring me all of the socks...?" for example and I'd have this big pile of socks to pair up. He seems very excited to have a baby brother and calls the baby's room "Baby Brodder's Room". Still no name.... need to work on that! Hopefully we have 11 more weeks to decide on that!
I also know that there's no possible way to be ready or prepared for the entering of a new life into the world! There's just no way. I just thank God every day of this pregnancy- as uncomfortable as I am- and ask Him to protect this baby in my womb.

Best things about this pregnancy: Water aerobics, feeling (and watching) this baby swim and jump around inside of me, learning to rely on God more and being thankful for each additional day of pregnancy that I'm granted., explaining to Mateo that there is a baby in my tummy, thinking about how much fun Mateo will have with his brother someday, thinking about what a good dad Aaron is going to be and imagining things that he'll do with the boys.

Hardest things about this pregnancy: Rib (and now back) pain that makes it gruesome to sit much or do many things, having way too many appointments and way too many ultrasounds, taking a toddler to appointments, restrictions that have been put on me by my doctors, having to drive 30 minutes to my appointments at an unorganized clinic, and worrying about another early arrival.

I have a pretty amazing husband I want to add. He is gone long 12 ish hour days during the week....but when he gets home he still has energy to love us, wrestle with Mateo after dinner, and even give Mateo his baths. We love 5:30 when Dad gets home!!