Mother's Day reflections and unmet expectations

It's picture perfect.  My water broke two days before my due date.  We grab our hospital bags, neatly packed, walk past the finished baby nursery, and make our way to the hospital.  Six hours and many contractions and pushes later, a slimy yet beautiful full term baby is delivered and plopped onto my chest as my husband cuts the umbilical chord.  Baby latches on right away and nurses beautifully before falling asleep right on mama. It's a beautiful celebration. That night he sleeps in the little bassinet right next to my hospital bed and I fall asleep peacefully next to my new bundle of joy....never out of reach.  A day and a half later we head home with fresh paternity leave.  My mom comes a day later to stay for a few days and cook/clean for us and hold baby while I nap.  It's a glorious week at home recovering and enjoying life as we become a family of three.

If you know my story, you know that is far from our real experience.
We have come a long way, but there is still healing yet to come. I was reminded of that when I got to visit one of my best friend's handsome new baby in the hospital today. The same hospital where I've spent 5 weeks of my life. Passing the NICU floor brought a wellspring of tears into my throat that I held in. I felt like someone had placed a 20 lb dumbbell on my chest making it so hard to breathe.  I should be happy.  It's Mother's Day.  I have two handsome sons who are thriving. But today is bittersweet for me if I am completely honest.  A mom on one of my post-NICU support groups on facebook posted recently....

"It is normal.  You are experiencing grief over the loss of what you envisioned yoru pregnancy and childbirth to be.  Allow yourself the space to grieve and cry, otherwise you will carry it for a long time.  You can still be grateful for a happy healthy child and be sad at what you did not get."

I haven't always given myself permission to grieve. I don't really feel comfortable telling my story (yet).  Instead of being proud about my tiny babies, I find myself embarrassed and humiliated at baby showers when we have to share birth weights. I'm annoyed by comments about how small people can't have big babies.  I hope for a day when Mateo's birthday is pure JOY and not so much sorrow.  I have hope that I will get there.  But I also know that having endured what I did (and I know our NICU/preemie experience could have been much worse)...to go through a traumatic experience (twice)....you will never be the same again.  You just can't be.  I am forever changed. But I hope that I have come out of this with greater God-given strength and courage.  I hope I have a stronger dependence on God, deeper faith, a stronger marriage, greater appreciation, and a thankfulness and peace that is beyond my understanding. 

I'm currently reading a devotional book with some mom-friends....

It really is a refreshment to my soul as the subtitle suggests.  One of the devotions was about unmet expectations.  We all have them.  Whether it's regarding our baby experiences, our marriages, our families, our careers, etc.  We have expectations.  And when they're not met...it's hard for us to accept. Us humans are control freaks by nature.  We want to be in control of everything instead of letting God tell the story of our life.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

What is your unmet expectation? Have you given it to God? I don't know about you, but I am weak.  I feel heartache.  I feel pain.  I am so blessed. But I still feel pain.  I am thankful for a God who is willing and able to fill any and all voids.

"My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9

Praise God that his grace is sufficient.  Praise God that in my weakness...his power can be manifested.  I pray that those longings will be fulfilled in unique way crafted by God.

God is good.  All the time. 

And today I am thankful for my two sons.  Thankful for the miracle of them simply being alive.  Thankful that I get to stay home with them every day. As they are sleeping soundly in their rooms as I type this...I have joy.  Thank you Jesus for my babies.