endurance

We feel a little less than sane most days here at our house. Mateo is acting up a lot. Alex cries a lot. So between the two of them it seem like someone is almost always crying. I think I deserve a turn...but there's not time.

Then I brave up and want to go visit my parents because my mom has been pretty sick. And I get sick with the stomach flu (always great for a nursing mom). So we come home. Mateo catches a cold. Mateo gives mom and dad said cold. Mateo wakes up at night every 2 hours crying because of said cold. Baby wakes up every 3 hours at night to eat.... after Mom drives baby around the foggy city at midnight so that he will FINALLY go to sleep at all(read SHE and dad can finally go to sleep).

Today is the tip of the iceberg. We have an app. for Mateo this afternoon at the pediatrician b/c he won't eat lunch, won't nap, won't stop crying, etc. That's not like him...even though he's been kind of sensitive since Dad went back to work. It's not like him.

On the flip side, I found some neat forum/blog things on facebook for parents of preemies. I so wish that I would've known about something like that when Mateo was born. You feel completely abnormal, completely misunderstood, and completley lost. One blog writes:

Remember it's ok to grieve that u did not have the pregnancy, delivery, etc you thought you would. Transition to home can at times seem worse then being in the NICU. We are here to listen.

I don't think I gave myself permission to grieve with Mateo's experience. You are in survival mode for so long, much longer than others think is OK. People think you should be normal by now, you should bring baby to church 2 days after he is born, you should attend everything and bring your delicate baby everywhere. Your baby should be sleeping through the night by now, etc. And I think I tried to psych myself into thinking that I didn't need to grieve this time around with Alex. But I probably do. Most don't (and can't) understand why a "Congratulation" doesn't feel right.

And coming home from the hospital was far harder than being in the hospital (in my experience) except for the fact that I got to sleep in the same bed as my hubby again and see my toddler every day. But as far as baby stuff goes...much, much harder And it seems we've been the unlucky recipients of another cranky baby who doesn't like to sleep when we'd like him to and has bad reflux that interrupts his sleep and takes away any happy awake time. Another blog writes this:
Having a preemie means your venture into parenting will not be "normal". You will learn words that many people will never even hear (and thankfully so). You will learn patience you didn't know you were capable of, you will learn true fear and faith. You will be able to change a diaper standing sideways at an isolette, while avoiding wires, tubes, and I.V.s. .You learn that the journey doesn't stop......... once they leave the NICU. Your childs pediatrician will become like family because you feel that you are at their office as much as you are home. You will learn that all the books you read on "what to expect" didn't teach you anything that YOU needed to expect, and you are forced to learn as you go. THE most valuable lesson that I learned was just how precious life is, and how fragile it can be. NOV 17 is World Prematurity Day. Please wear purple!http://www.facebook.com/breastmilkforpreemies/posts/257441120970693

That all being said, I know I have a million things to be thankful for. Here are a few:

1. A husband who, even when we're miserable, helps out as much as he can...sacrificing gym time, recreation time, etc. etc.

2. That Alex had 2 weeks and 2 days longer in utero than Mateo did.

3. That we'll be able to pay all of our ridiculous hospital bills off.

4. Plenty of disposable diapers that I paid pennies for with coupons so I don't have to think about starting cloth with Alex for a few more months...

5. That I was able to breastfeed Alex to give him the best possible nutrition in the crucial months of a preemie.

6. A warm home and plenty of clothes for both my babies.

7. That God, in some (mysterious) way, will bring good out of all of this and it will be for his glory.

8. My husband's job.

9. My SAHM group.

10. My parents who, even though I don't see them nearly enough, love their grandbabies more than anything.

11. The Moby Wrap and my Baby Bjorn...only hopes of survival, and the only way I am able to finally write a blog post! Alex will sleep in them (and hence be happy and quiet!)

12. Homemade pizza in the freezer that we can pull out on a day like today for dinner.


For now, I tell Aaron that we need just a little more endurance. That we can do this. Someday we can sleep again. Someday we won't have stress stomach aches so much. Someday life will be fun...and...Alex will be fun. For now we cling to God and to the hope of the future.