No more Congrats

No More Congratulations

It hasn't felt good for people to tell us Congratulations this past week. Those well intended comments like "so happy for you" or "glad everyone is healthy" seem heart breaking to me.

What are people happy about? That we had another baby prematurely? That I had to have another c section? That I am staying at a hospital all by myself while Aaron is fending for himself at home with a somewhat confused 2 year old that thinks Mommy lives at the hospital with Baby Brotherv That I'm in excruciating pain? That...

If everyone were good and healthy then I'd still be pregnant and home reading Mateo bedtime stories and nesting.

If everyone were good and healthy then Alex wouldn't have to be in the NICU, he wouldn't have monitors on his chest or a feeding tube up his nose. I wouldn't have to pump 8 times a day or work so hard to keep him awake enough to nurse.

I wish so badly that I were still pregnant. Alex would be protected and getting plenty of food that way. I heard another mom in the NICU say that she officially knows her body cannot carry a baby to term. I feel the same way. I followed every restriction, order from the doctor, etc. yet here I am re-living my life from two years ago. Except this time it is 10 times harder because of Mateo. Aaron is taking care of him...but then who is taking care of me? I hate being here without him. I hate it.

And so I am sitting here in my 5 minutes of down time before the next scheduled feeding, trying to understand God's purposes and reasons. Why on Earth...??

This should be a time for celebrating but we are having a really hard time doing so right now.

I have so many questions, feel so frazzled, yet I am reminded of one of my fav verses from Isaiah 58:11

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. (Isaiah 58:11 NIV)

Sometimes we don't even really know what our needs are. And often, lately I don't even know how to pray. But scripture says that the Holy Spirit will intervene when we don't know how to pray...thankful for that.

Yet when we know God is good, All the time...what does it everything me? God grant me joy in these trials.

On a lighter note...few updates on Alex:

- He had a couple of feeds today when he didn't need any milk given to him in his feeding tube.

-He's maintained his weight pretty well since birth though hasn't gained any yet.

-Started his iron multivitamin today...but had a little trouble taking it (nurse mixed it in 15 ml of EBM) from the tiny bottle.

- 1st vaccine tonight at next feed

-Got moved again to a dif room. Funny how attached I get of his new space.

God is good, all the time

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3: 16-18

We knew, going into this pregnancy, that there was a chance it could all happen again. It was completely unknown why my water broke early and Mateo made an early entrance to the world at 32 weeks. But we felt like we were supposed to be brave and try again. Specialists, tons of ultrasounds, and activity restrictions galore...and we made it to 34 weeks and 3 days. I was beginning to become a lot more optimistic that I really would make it full term. I prayed so often, with fervor, for God to be merciful to our baby so that he wouldn't have to go through what Mateo did. But then I wake up early one morning....and I had no doubts about what was happening. I knew my water had broke and it was the worst feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach. We knew what this meant. And we were scared. I was reminded of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. They said they knew that their God was able to save them from the fire.... but that even if he didn't..... that they would not worship the other Gods. I know our God was able to make me go full term. But here we are today in the hospital reliving our worst nightmare. But I know that God is always good. No matter what. And when I hold our newest little baby.... I know God is good. He has his purposes and his reasons. Though I will never understand why my two babies were born early and why we had to go through this (twice), I never question the goodness of God.

I get discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It is a terrible feeling to be discharged without your baby. To be able to go home...and not able to bring your baby with you. Some things are easier this time. I think I will be able to go through the discharge process without crying. I already know WAY more than I ever wanted to about preemies and how to take care of them, what a gavage feeding tube is, how to convert ml to ounces, etc.

But there are also things that are harder. Like the fact that I have not gotten to read bedtime stories to Mateo in 5 days. I haven't gotten to sing him songs or pray with him or play toys with him. I miss him SO much. And tomorrow Aaron goes home to take care of him as my mom and dad go back to work...and I will have to stay at this big lonely hospital all by myself. I'm not looking forward to it. I wanna be with Aaron and Mateo SO badly...but I also can't abandon Alex. I've been working really hard on breastfeeding and pumping, and I need to be close by to do most of that. I am hoping to be able to sneak out for a short period most days to go home...and hopefully they'll be able to come visit every morning...but I will miss having Aaron here to help me SO much. He's been taking such good care of me...when I couldn't get out of bed or walk (which I still am barely hobbling around...) or do anything for myself. He helps me do everything and even washes pump parts. Who will wheel me down to the NICU now? I'll have to just be strong and try to wheel myself or walk part ways. Praying God will infuse me with extra energy to do all that I need to do to take care of Alex and myself.
I'm afraid that Mateo is forgetting me or that he's sad that I have abandoned him. I hate being away from him. So not cool. I don't know how a working mom does it. I would absolutely hate to have my babies raised by somebody else I decided. I know Mateo has been in good hands with Grandma this week, but it doesn't make me miss him any less.

Aaron and I are trying to think ahead to the future...knowing that within a few weeks we will all be home together. I'm bummed that Aaron is having to use up all of his leave time before we even bring Alex home. I was dreaming of that time with all of us together at home. <>

A few updates on Alex...
No more IV!!!
Regulating temp well and will hopefully move out of the incubator and into a bassinet tomorrow.
They put in a feeding tube yesterday and I've been pumping milk that they're feeding him. Also nursing as much as he'll stay awake for. Sometimes they weigh him before and after nursing to see how much he took- and then are feeding him the rest in his tube.
He got his first bath today and is wearing his first outfit!
He's really cute.
Doesn't open his eyes much, but when he does I melt!

Gotta go and feed my baby.

~G

Keeping up with the......

I'm not sure who our society thinks they're keeping up with these days. Surely, some are still trying to keep up with the Jones'. They want to have the nicest this, the best that, the most of those....greener grass, taller flowers, etc. You get the gist.

But then there's a whole other "keeping up with" that I have become more aware of. The drive to be BUSY! Whatever happened to down time? To family time? To not having every second of your life filled up? The contest to be the BUSIEST is definitely one that I do not want to win. I've tried to work on becoming a little less busy over the last couple of years. Somewhat hard when you have kids- but resigning from my job was a big leap of faith. But one that we knew was the best for our family. But busyness tries to follow me anyways and I have to start saying NO to some things.

Church or secular world, it's kind of looked upon as WOW/COOL if you have more than one job, are involved in multiple groups/activities, have something going on almost every night of the week, and oh ya.... you have a family somewhere in there, too. "Oh, do you know 'so and so'? They work 2 jobs, play this sport this night, go to that group this night, and have such a hectic life! They're amazing!". Since when do we want to praise that kind of lifestyle? Why is that something that we'd want to emulate?

Seriously, though, can one not have a fruitful life without being SO SO busy? What's the point?

Most of you know that I am a stay at home mom. I don't have a paid job. I don't bring in any money. Zero cents. So of course if I don't work I must just be sitting around all day watching soap operas and eating bon bons, right? And of course since I don't work I must have a LOT of free time to spend volunteering for this or that. Right? Um, no. (But that's another blog post...)

Life will always be busy, but there are definitely things we can do to gear our business in the right direction. If I worked full time...yes, we'd have more money. But I don't think Mateo will tell me when he's older..."Mom, I wish that you would've worked full time when I was a baby so I could have had those clothes I spit up on come from Baby Gap."

Then there are the working moms that get a little peaved at some of the things a SAHM might do....for example making baby food. "Oh that's nice, but I would never have time to do that because I work full time. I wish I had the time to do THAT". That's probably an accurate statement. I doubt they WOULD have time to. I'm sorry? But the only way I get to stay home is by doing those kind of things (which I do actually enjoy) that will save us oodles of money.
Living on half of your income does became a full time job. One that I have come to enjoy. I would not rather be doing anything else on any given day than taking care of and spending time with our sweet Mateo and taking care of his daddy...the guy I love.

I love taking care of my family. That is my ministry. When peoples remarks make me start to feel bad about having a strong heart for my family and home- I have to quickly snap out of it. Aaron tells me that he loves my heart for our family.

My favorite verse for being content with less and having simplicity is this one from Ecclesiastes 4:6........

⁶ Better one handful with tranquility
than two handfuls with toil
and chasing after the wind.


The more you work the more money you make but the more you work the more money you spend. Work more to spend more. Spend less to work less.